


You Can't Always Get What You Want

by a1_kitkat



Category: Westlife
Genre: Bets & Wagers, Bisexuality, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, Crack, M/M, Not Beta Read, One-Sided Attraction, Secret Crush, Sorry Not Sorry, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 01:23:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14367885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a1_kitkat/pseuds/a1_kitkat
Summary: Based on this prompt "My roommate just told me to stop growing my beard because if I get anymore handsome, he's gonna have to fuck me, but what he doesn't know is that I want that"I intended this to be a crackfic but it turned into something bigger that I really hope makes sense!





	1. May 2003

The tap tap tap of Shane’s finger upon the desk was becoming very annoying and Mark took every opportunity to glare at his band mate from over the hand of cards he was currently holding. Each time he looked up, his eyes would meet Bryan’s but the older lad would simply shrug his shoulders before turning back to his own cards. He opened his mouth to tell Shane to stop when the brunette got to his feet and started pacing around the room; this was almost as irritating though and after a few minutes, Mark once again decided to say something.

“Shane, can you please stop?” he said to him “you’re going to wear a rut in the carpet”  
“What is taking him so long?” Shane muttered “it’s not like Nicky to be this late”  
“Why does it matter if he’s late?”  
“I need to… talk to him about… something”  
“Way to be vague, Shane” Bryan shook his head.  
“It’s important, okay? I texted him eight times last night and heard nothing back” Shane admitted.

“Did you two have another fight?” Kian spoke up from his place across the room.  
“No” Shane sounded very defensive “not exactly… He’ll explain when he gets here… Hopefully”

Mark and Bryan exchanged confused looks before turning their attention back to the card game but barely a minute later, the door opened and Nicky stepped into the room. He looked exhausted yet something was also different about him. Mark’s eyes trailed all over his friend’s posture, wondering what had caused such a change while Shane practically launched himself at their bandmate and pulled him into a hug.

“Nicky!” he sounded very relieved “I called, I texted, I was so worried and you never got back to me but I was dying to know how it went then realized I was being way too nosey and that it’s none of my business but you wouldn’t have told me if you didn’t want me to know-”  
“It’s okay, Shay” Nicky returned the hug very briefly before he pulled away.

Mark couldn’t help noticing the way Nicky’s hand lingered upon Shane’s arm just slightly longer than necessary. He wondered what secret the two of them were sharing right now and had to bite his tongue to stop from asking.

“So, how did it go?” Shane asked; his eyes were full of concern. “Did you uh want to go outside and talk about it?”  
The realization that they weren’t alone seemed to have dawned on him but Nicky brushed off the request with a wave of his hand.   
“No, its fine” Nicky said to him “I want everyone to know anyway”  
“Know what, Nicky?” Kian asked as he slid the bookmark into the pages of the book he was holding and removed his glasses.

“I came out to Georgina last night” Nicky announced to the entire room.   
Kian’s jaw dropped; Bryan gasped; Mark felt his heart stop beating entirely. Nicky was gay? No, it couldn’t be true, could it? It would explain the lingering touches and glances between him and Shane but how could Mark have not known? Not sensed it all this time?

“You… You’re gay?” Bryan stammered; the shock and confusion very clear on his face.  
“Sort of” Nicky confessed “maybe that was a bad choice of words but… I came out as bisexual to her”  
“So you’re bi?” Kian asked.  
“Yes”  
“Wow”

“As you all know” Nicky continued “she and I are getting married soon and… I… I wanted her to know the truth before then”  
“And how did she take it?” Shane asked; he still looked concerned.  
“Surprisingly well actually… I mean, it wasn’t an easy conversation to have but she was patient and understanding and it reminded me why I fell for her in the first place but I was honest and upfront and I told her that I loved her and would always be true and faithful to her but that there was a part of me that liked lads too”  
“Wow” Kian said again.  
“She asked a lot of questions and I answered them all as best I could… Told her I’d always felt this way but was too scared to tell her and she was really understanding”  
“I told you it would be okay, Nicky” Shane said with a smile and another hug for his friend.

“So what’s changed then?” Bryan asked “you seem really different this morning”  
“I feel like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders” Nicky admitted “like I don’t have to keep this big shameful secret anymore. I mean, I haven’t really acted on these feelings or anything and I may never but they’ve always been there and now I don’t have to hide it”  
“That’s awesome, Nicky” Kian stood up then approached his friend. He quickly pulled him into a hug. “I’m happy for you; really happy for you”  
“Thanks Ki” Nicky said with a smile.

“Didn’t I tell you it’d be okay?” Shane said again.  
“Yes, you did” Nicky replied “Shane’s been at me for weeks to tell her, said I’d feel much better once it was all out in the open and he was right”

“So I guess the big question now is” Bryan began “have you ever thought about any of us that way?”  
“Bryan!” Mark hissed. He couldn’t believe Bryan had the balls to ask such a private, personal question but Nicky simply laughed.  
“I don’t know which answer you’d find more offensive, Bry, if I said yes or no”  
“What about when you were with Leeds? Did you fancy any of them?”  
“Bryan!” Mark snapped again.  
“Actually, yeah, there may have been one or two who caught my eye”

A knock at the door interrupted the conversation as they were told the car was waiting downstairs for them. Nicky and Shane were continuing the discussion as they walked and Mark lingered before climbing into the same car as them, curious to hear what else they had to say.

“But what exactly did Gina say?” Shane asked.  
“She said a lot of things” Nicky replied “she was really understanding; maybe a little too understanding”  
“How so?”

Nicky lowered his voice as the driver climbed back into the car but Mark leaned right back in the passenger seat, straining his ears.  
“She told me I could have a free pass” Nicky confessed.  
“Is that what you want?” Shane asked “I mean, before you get married and all”  
“There was no time limit on it, just a free pass”  
“Maybe she thinks that’s all you need… A one off to get it out of your system, so to speak”  
“I don’t know, maybe”  
“But is that something you’d want to do?”  
“I have no idea, no idea. I love her and I don’t want to be unfaithful”  
“Even though you have permission”  
“Shay, half of Europe know who we are, it’s not like I can just walk into a club and pick up some lad”  
“I guess not”  
“I love Gina and in a few short weeks, she’ll be my wife and this stupid free pass thing-”  
“Can be filed away for a time when you actually need it”  
“Shane!”  
“Never say never, Nicky, you never know what the future may hold. Imagine, five years from now, you’re at some event thing and David Beckham comes up to you and-”  
“David Beckham is not going to be my free pass”  
“You don’t know that!”  
“Uh for one, he’s straight”  
“And until ten minutes ago, to Ki, Mark and Bry so were you”  
“I’m not going to fuck David Beckham” Nicky insisted.  
“You’ll fuck someone, Nicky” Shane said to him “one day you’ll let curiosity get the better of you”

“I’ll take that bet, Shay” Nicky argued “a hundred quid; I won’t fuck any lad during the next three years”  
“Four”  
“Fine, four years”

They shook hands and sealed the deal but then fell silent for the remainder of the trip. When they finally reached their destination, Nicky was the first to climb out of the car. Mark and Shane fell instep behind their bandmate as they made their way into the building.

“You’ve gotta help me win that bet, Mark” Shane said to him.  
“Excuse me?” Mark asked his friend in confusion.  
“You’ve got four years to get Nicky into bed then I win a hundred pound and you finally get to have him, it’s a win win situation for both of us”  
“You’re crazy, Shane. Really crazy”  
“Are you telling me you don’t want to be his free pass?”

At that moment, Nicky turned back to see what was keeping his two band mates and Mark feared he’d heard them but Nicky simply smiled and waved for them to hurry up. His heart fluttered at the shining twinkle in Nicky’s eyes and he swallowed nervously. He wanted to be Nicky’s free pass more than anything else he’d ever wanted in his life but he couldn’t, wouldn’t do it. Nicky was about to become a married man and Mark didn’t sleep with married men, no matter how much he loved them.

“A lot can happen in four years, Mark” Shane whispered. “He’s definitely going to fuck someone; don’t you wish it’d be you?”

Mark held his tongue, lifted his head up high and walked away from Shane; he knew if he stood there any longer, he’d be stupid enough to make a bet of his own.


	2. March 2004

The atmosphere in the room was very sombre despite the amount of drinks each had consumed. It had been a sad, sad day indeed as they bid farewell to their brother and bandmate Bryan; the tears had been flowing all afternoon until they’d taken refuge in a hotel room together and agreed to share one last drink in Bryan’s honour. The five lads had sat around, sipping their drinks and reminiscing on happy memories while each fighting back reservations about the future.

Mark had been keeping an eye on Kian, fearing his friend was going to lose it again. He’d tried so hard to keep it together for the press and the fans but he was definitely taking this news the hardest, the uncertainty of what the future will for the band weighed very heavily on his mind. Mark had been the first to offer him a supportive hug and a shoulder to cry on but he still looked like he was going to crack again. As a result, he was the first to call it a night; Kian exchanged a somewhat awkward hug with Bryan before taking his drink and his leave.

Once he was gone, the mood shifted again with the opening of more alcohol. Mark was crafty and kept his drinking to a minimum but his friends were too far gone to notice how much he had or hadn’t drunk. Shane was a lightweight and passed out on the floor which led to Bryan finding a pen and drawing some very crude images upon his face. Mark watched with mixed feelings; he knew his friend was making the right choice for himself and his family but he was going to miss having him around, being able to talk to him at all hours of the night and just being around him. There was never a dull moment when Bryan was present.  
Mark closed his eyes and tried to imagine the upcoming tour without Bryan, his absence was going to be noticed by all not just them but the fans too. His mind wandered off on a tangent and he realized that Nicky and Bryan thought he’d nodded off too. He heard Bryan make a joke then the shuffle of feet as he stood up and he asked Nicky to walk him out.

He heard the door and Mark opened his eyes, he wasn’t going to miss the chance to hug Bryan goodbye. He slowly got to his feet and started towards the door, could hear voices coming from the hall as Nicky’s foot had propped the door open.

“Don’t be a stranger, okay?” Mark heard Nicky say.  
“I really am sorry that it had to come to this” Bryan replied.  
“You gotta do what’s best for you”  
“So do you”  
“Good luck, Bry”

“Hey, Nix?” Bryan lowered his voice. Mark moved closer, he knew it was wrong to eavesdrop but he didn’t want to miss this. “Can I ask you something?”  
“Anything”  
“Well, I was wondering, now that the options have become even more limited… Given the chance, if you had to fuck one of the lads, who would it be? Shane, right?”  
“Bryan!” Nicky hissed. Mark’s heart skipped a beat as he moved even closer.  
“Come on, Nicky, you can tell me” Bryan pushed “just between us”  
“Are you hoping I’ll say it was always you so we can go back to my room right now and have at it?”  
“Of course not… You couldn’t pay me enough to mess around with a lad”  
“Why do you want to know anyway?”  
“I’ve been curious even since you said you were... you know… I guess I just want to know your type”

“I love Shane, Bryan” Nicky admitted “he’s my best friend and practically my brother but I just don’t see him like that”  
“I am genuinely shocked” Bryan replied “half expected you and him to hook up months ago, years even”  
“What Shane and I have is special but it’s not sexual”  
“So tell me, who would you choose then?”  
“If I could? If there was a way to have that one special night with no strings, no repercussions and no consequences… Then I don’t even have to think about it… Mark”

From behind the door, Mark felt his heart drop into his stomach. Nicky wanted him? It was almost too good to be true… Mostly because it was; Nicky was married and had insisted many times that he’d never cheat on his wife despite having permission to do just that but given the chance, he wanted Mark?

“That’s really… interesting” Bryan clearly wasn’t sure what to say to that.  
Mark felt an instant rush of panic, he was certain Bryan knew how he felt about Nicky but he wasn’t likely to tell him, was he?  
“I know, you must think I’m a terrible person” Nicky continued “but there’s just something about him I’m drawn to, not just his intensely deep eyes… I think it’s his shy and quiet personality… I feel like that saying ‘quiet in the streets, freak in the sheets’ would absolutely apply to him”

He wanted to hear more but was terrified of being caught lurking behind the door and spying on his friends so he hurried back to the couch and sat down as Nicky’s words bounced around his mind. Not only did Nicky want to fuck him, he also thought he was some freaky sex machine… But no, Nicky only said if he had to choose one, he’d choose Mark and it wasn’t like his options were varied.   
This was possibly a good thing, knowing Nicky was only choosing him because he had to not because he actually intended to act on it. Nicky had to believe that Mark was still a virgin, there was simply no way he’d know about Mark and Rowan. His head was spinning from the new information and he closed his eyes just as he heard the door close; he listened to Nicky’s approaching footsteps then slowly opened his eyes and feigned a yawn.

“Oh, did I nod off?” he asked.  
“Just for a minute or two” Nicky said with his usual smile.  
“Bryan?”  
“Just left”  
“Oh”  
“He said to give you this”

Nicky immediately reached over and wrapped his arms around Mark in a strong bear hug. Mark was quick to return the embrace and it eventually turned into a comforting hold. They kept their arms around each other for a long time, Nicky’s words still echoed in Mark’s mind as he held onto his friend; neither wanted to be the first to let go.

“He’s really gone, isn’t he?” Mark whispered.  
“It’s just the four of us now” Nicky replied “but we’ll be okay, just wait and see”  
“We’ll be okay” Mark repeated.  
“Until Shane wakes up and sees the dick drawn on his face anyway”

They bother laughed as they slowly, reluctantly separated.  
“You want to draw another one?” Mark asked him with a glint in his eye.  
“The hairy balls too?” Nicky replied.  
“Grab the pen; I’ll go find a camera”


	3. January 2005

The Childline charity concert was always a highlight for the lads but it was their first time performing the event without Bryan and Mark was definitely feeling the loss of his presence more than the rest of his bandmates. Sure, Bryan was there and performed a duet with Delta Goodrem but it just wasn’t the same as having him on stage with them.

Mark stood at the side of the stage, watching Bryan sing with someone else and trying to keep his own mixed feelings under control. When his former bandmate finished his set and ran offstage, he ran straight into Mark and threw his arms around him.

“You were amazing” Mark assured him.  
“Thanks Marky” Bryan grinned back at his friend.  
“It’s really good... seeing you here and all”  
“You too... even weirder being here and not singing with you”  
“Yeah”  
“I’ll see you after, yeah, at the party?”  
“Of course”

Another quick hug and Bryan was gone, leaving Mark alone at the side of the stage. He stayed there for a long time, this time watching as Kian and Jodi took to the stage to introduce the next artist.   
Mark turned and walked away, not wanting Kian to see him and wonder why he was standing there. He hurried back to the dressing room without bothering to knock, threw the door open and stepped into the middle of a heated argument between Nicky and Shane in which Nicky was denying that he’d been flirting with an attractive lad backstage while Shane was urging him to ‘just go for it’.  
He tried to stay out of it, he really did but the second they spotted him, both Nicky and Shane demanded he share his opinion. Having missed the entire exchange between Nicky and the mystery lad, he didn’t really know what to say but from the look in Shane’s eyes, he definitely wanted Mark to take his side over Nicky’s. So Mark did the only thing he could, he turned and left the room again.

He didn’t know what he was supposed to do but he couldn’t go far as they were due onstage themselves shortly. Mark had never felt so lost or alone at such a crowded event before and was actually relieved when he heard Shane call his name as his bandmate hurried past him, heading towards the stage.

Everything slipped away as he took to the stage with his friends and they performed their hearts out. It was over before he knew it though and quickly found himself in a mass of celebrities all partying and drinking. Kian and Jodi were all over each other in the corner, Bryan was nowhere to be seen but Mark wasn’t in the mood to make small talk with anyone so he grabbed himself a drink and stayed on his feet, moving constantly as to not be held up by anyone. He was onto his fourth drink when he made his way towards the bathroom and bumped into Shane who was looking very smug about something.

“Hey Shane” he greeted him  
“What are you doing out here?”  
“Being nosey” Shane confessed.  
“I... What?”  
“Pretty sure I’m winning that bet tonight; looks like I didn’t need you after all”  
“What are you fucking on about?”  
“Nicky is five minutes or one more drink away from fucking a lad he just met”

Mark felt his heart drop into his stomach at the very though.  
“Are you fucking insane, Shane?”  
“What?”  
“You can’t let him go through with it”  
“Why on Earth not?”  
“Well, for starters, who is this lad? Nicky can’t just get off with just anyone? He could be press or anything. Does this lad even know Nicky’s married?”  
“Why are you getting so defensive? Jealous, maybe?”  
“The last thing we need right now is some drunk lad outing Nicky to a tabloid”  
“He can’t ‘out’ him since Nix isn’t gay”  
“You really think the press will care about that?”

Shane pursed his lips but Mark continued to rouse on him for his awful behavior. It was one thing to want to win a bet but to possibly ruin Nicky’s career and family over it was just ridiculous.

“Where are they, Shane?”  
Mark was beyond angry now but before Shane could answer the door behind them opened and a young lad stepped into the hall, his eyes scanned the vicinity and came to rest upon Mark and Shane. Mark recognized the newcomer, having seen him perform onstage earlier in the evening.

“Excuse me, I didn’t mean to interrupt” he spoke up “I was uh just looking for someone”  
“So was I” Mark replied.  
“Hey, you’re uh you’re from Westlife, yeah?”  
“Yes, I’m Mark and this is Shane”  
Mark held his hand out in greeting and the younger lad moved towards him, took hold of his hand.  
“Hi, I’m Kevin” he replied with a smile “I uh was looking for my friend, Aaron, I thought I saw him come this way with one of your lot, the one with the nearly white hair”

Mark turned his attention back to Shane and glared at him yet he was still holding Kevin’s hand in greeting.  
Shane sighed in defeat.  
“Yeah, I seen him” he confessed “both of ‘em... they went in there”

Kevin released Mark’s hand and led the way towards the door Shane had indicated. He shoved the door open and found his bandmate, Aaron, had Nicky pressed against the wall. Mark stepped around Kevin and took in the sight of Nicky with a complete stranger. His jealousy flared up and it took every ounce of his willpower to not intervene. Fortunately for Mark, Kevin was much more driven. He watched as Kevin practically threw himself at the couple, grabbed his own bandmate by the collar and yanked him away from Nicky.

Shane hurried over to Nicky who appeared unsteady on his feet. Mark was torn between wanting to help Nicky and curious to watch the exchange between Kevin and Aaron. He moved closer to Nicky but kept his eyes on Kevin who was still holding Aaron by the scruff of his neck and hissing a tirade of obscenities in his ear. Shane made to help Nicky who immediately stumbled and Mark saw Shane’s face lose all color.

“Shane, what’s wrong?” Mark asked him.  
“Nicky’s been drugged” he hissed.  
“What? Are you sure?”  
“Well... No but yeah”

Mark turned to Kevin and Aaron, the anger inside him seeping to boiling point.  
“Did you do this?” Mark shouted “did you?”  
“Do what?” Kevin replied “is he alright?”  
“He’s been drugged”

For someone so slim, Kevin had quite the upper body strength as he held Aaron in place and started yelling at him again.  
“It wasn’t me, I swear” Aaron insisted “I just... saw an opportunity and went for it”  
“Get out of here” Kevin hissed “we’ll deal with this later”

Aaron made a beeline for the door; Mark wanted to say something but Nicky’s health was more pressing. He made his way to his friend; Shane appeared terrified so Mark instructed him to return to the party.   
It took a few minutes to convince him, Shane already felt guilty for allowing Nicky to go off with Aaron in the first place.

Shane reluctantly left under the pretence of keeping an eye on Aaron and making sure he didn’t try anything on anyone else. Mark’s priority now was to get Nicky out of there without the press seeing.

Between him and Kevin they somehow managed to clear the building and find a taxi to take them to Mark’s hotel. He took Nicky’s phone and sent a text to Gina, assuring her he was okay but crashing at the hotel with the lads so she wouldn’t worry. Kevin didn’t say much but helped Mark and between them they safely deposited Nicky upon Mark’s bed.

“I uh I want to thank you for your help but also berate you for your friends behavior” Mark said honestly.  
“Hey I’m mad at him too” Kevin admitted “not really surprised though”  
“He does this a lot?”  
“Kind of, he had a knack for finding the drunkest or easiest lad in the room. He probably saw who slipped whatever it was into his drink but decided to move in first”  
“I’m not sure I’m okay with someone drugged people at a charity event”  
“Maybe your friend was the only one though”  
“I want to tell someone but can’t without dragging Nicky into it and he’s not going to remember any of this tomorrow”

They both fell silent as Mark watched over Nicky who was now sleeping peacefully. Without thinking, he reached down and gently stroked his friend’s cheek.  
“Does he know?” Kevin asked him.  
“Know what?”  
“How you feel about him”  
“What?”  
Mark turned, defensively towards Kevin. He wanted to deny it but was just so tired of hiding.  
“How long have you been in love with him?” Kevin asked as he moved closer to Mark.  
“Too long” he confessed.  
“And he has no idea?”

Mark averted his gaze as tears filled his eyes.  
“No one does” he whispered “no one knows I’m.... I’m...”  
He couldn’t say it, not aloud and not to the stranger standing before him but Kevin simply took another step closer. He reached out and took hold of Mark’s hand. He’d never said the words not even to himself even with Shane’s blatant comments about him fancying Nicky; he’d still never admitted it out loud.

“I know” he whispered “it’s not easy being in love with someone you know you can never have” Mark looked up and meet his eyes. “And it’s even harder keeping it a secret from everyone”  
“You...?”  
“I haven’t been in the spotlight anywhere near as long as you but that doesn’t make it any easier to keep something so personal so secretive”  
“Kevin-“

Suddenly Mark forgot all about Nicky, who was sleeping barely a foot from where he was standing, as Kevin leaned closer and kissed him. His heart was racing as he returned the embrace perhaps with less certainty than Kevin but by the time they parted, a nervous excitement had engulfed him.  
“I uh I can go if you want me to” Kevin’s words were unexpected as Mark didn’t want him to go.  
“I won’t tell anyone about any of this” Kevin assured him.  
“I promise I won’t tell either” Mark replied.  
“Maybe I should go”

Kevin started to move away but Mark was still holding his hand. He didn’t know what possessed him to do it but he pulled Kevin back towards him and wrapped his arms around him.  
“Please don’t go” Mark whispered “I’d like you to stay”  
“We can talk about anything you want and I swear, it won’t leave this room”  
“I appreciate that, really, but uh I don’t just want to talk... if that’s okay”  
“I’m up for whatever you have in mind”

Mark smiled as a weight lifted from his shoulders and Kevin initiated another kiss. It was a long time before either of them said another word.


	4. February 2006

Mark was oddly nervous as he stood, examining his reflection, in front of the mirror. He was dressed entirely in black and had even built up the courage to don a splash of eyeliner. A noise caused him to turn around and he saw the smile of approval on Kevin’s face as the younger man approached his boyfriend. Mark reached out and took hold of both Kevin’s hands before leaning in and kissing him.

“You like what you see?” Mark asked him with a wink.  
“You look gorgeous” Kevin assured him “I want to have you right now”  
His eyes flickered towards the clock; the car was due in less than five minutes.  
“I wish there was time” Mark replied “but maybe we can make out in the car”  
“There’s no maybe about it”

Before they knew it, the couple were in the car on their way to the Point Theatre. Kevin was quick to show Mark just how much he appreciated how stunning he looked that evening and by the time they reached their destination, both their lips were slightly chapped. Mark held Kevin’s hand as they made their way inside and met up with the other lads. As Mark greeted Kian, Kevin complimented Jodi’s outfit and the two of them vanished into the crowd. Nicky and Georgina were the last to arrive which wasn’t unusual but the expression on the blonde’s face was one Mark didn’t recognize.

The group came together to pose for the press and Mark purposely positioned himself next to Nicky.  
“Everything okay?” Mark asked out the corner of his mouth.  
“Uh huh” Nicky replied, keeping his eyes forward.  
Years of posing for photographers had taught them how to have a conversation right under the press’s noses without moving their lips.  
“You sure, Nix?” he pressed further.  
“Uh huh” 

It was very unusual for Nicky to give him the cold shoulder. Mark hurried to find Kevin and share his confusion over Nicky’s behaviour but his lover simply laughed it off. They took their seats and waited for the awards to be over though their excitement became infectious when they won Best Irish Pop Act and eagerly took to the stage to accept their award.

After the ceremony, the four lads were once again posing for photos only this time with their award in hand when Nicky leaned in and whispered in Mark’s ear.  
“Stop growing that beard, Marky, because if you get any more handsome, I may have to fuck you”

Nicky’s words travelled from the blonde’s lips straight to Mark’s groin and he turned to look into Nicky’s eyes, convinced he was just playing with him but Nicky had already walked away and was now holding his wife’s hand. Mark was still standing, gaping, when Kevin approached him.

“Are you okay, you look like you’ve seen a ghost” Kevin tried to make a joke.  
Mark immediately turned and placed a fiercely intense kiss to Kevin’s lips.  
“Really, right here in front of everyone?” Kevin chuckled.  
“Come on”

Mark grabbed Kevin’s hand and led him across the room into one of the bathrooms. All the stalls were empty so they were completely alone. Mark pushed Kevin up against the closed door and kissed him deeply, grinding his hips into Kevin’s so his lover could feel his growing arousal.

“Mark, what’s going on?” Kevin managed to ask between kisses.  
“I want you” Mark replied “don’t you want me?”  
“Really, right here? Come on, what’s gotten into you. We’ve got a perfectly comfortable bed waiting for us at home”

With a reluctant sigh, Mark released Kevin and shook his head in defeat.  
“It’s okay” Kevin assured him as he wrapped his arms around Mark’s neck. “Just, talk to me, please?”

“It’s Nicky” Mark admitted as he averted his eyes.  
“He still giving you the brush off?”  
“Not exactly”

Kevin stole a kiss which brought a smile to Mark’s face.  
“Maybe he’s just having a bad day” Kevin suggested.  
“He complimented my beard”   
“Of course he did, it looks stunning” he leaned closer and gently nipped at Mark’s earlobe.  
“He told me I need to stop growing it”  
“Why would he say that?”  
“Because he wants to fuck me”

These words caused Kevin to cease his actions and he snapped back, looking into his boyfriend’s eyes with a shocked and confused expression upon his face.  
“Whoa! Back up… What the hell?” Kevin exclaimed. Mark sighed as he reached up and carefully removed Kevin’s arms from around his neck.  
“I think he’s drunk” Mark confessed “probably didn’t know what he was saying”  
“He said he wants to have sex with you?”  
“Not exactly… He just, he said I need to stop growing my beard because if I get anymore handsome, he’d have to fuck me”

To his surprise, Kevin began to chuckle. He reached out and took hold of Mark’s hands before kissing him on the lips.  
“You’re too cute” Kevin whispered “you know Nicky’s just teasing you”  
“Is he though? He doesn’t know that I know he wants me”  
“But he doesn’t really want you; you know that. You said he told Bryan he’d pick you if he had to fuck one of you lads but that doesn’t mean he actually wants you”  
“I know” Mark muttered more to himself.  
“And I know that you want him to want you but you know it’s never going to happen”

Mark reached out and wrapped his arms around Kevin’s waist, pulled him close and buried his face in his neck.  
“I’m sorry” Mark whispered.  
“Don’t be” Kevin said “the heart wants what it wants”  
“But I love you” Mark assured him “I want you”  
“I know you do”  
Kevin broke the embrace and kissed Mark once more.  
“Do you want to leave?” he asked and was surprised when Mark nodded yes.

They exited the bathroom and returned to the party long enough to be seen yet Mark kept his distance from Nicky. The couple quickly took their leave, Mark held Kevin’s hand as they made their way to the waiting car and climbed into the back seat where Mark was quick to resume their kissing as the flashes of cameras went off around them.  
It didn’t take long for them to reach the hotel and within minutes they were tucked away in the privacy of their room.

Mark removed his jacket and kicked off his shoes while Kevin secured the ‘do not disturb’ sign then locked the door. He turned and approached Mark, slid his arms around his waist and rested his chin upon his shoulder.

“Are you still thinking about Nicky?” Kevin asked him.  
“I’m sorry, I’m trying not to” Mark admitted.  
“You uh you know it really is okay”  
“No, it’s not… It’s not fair to either of us”  
“Mark, you’ve been in love with Nicky for our entire relationship-”  
“When you say it like that, it makes me sound like a-”

Kevin placed his finger to Mark’s lips to silence him.  
“What I mean is, we both have a past that’s not so easy to let go of” he continued “we made a pact that first night together, we agreed to a free pass each”  
“You had Aaron and I had Nicky”  
“Exactly”  
“But it wasn’t real, Kevin; we barely knew each other and… We didn’t know that this was going to become something”  
“It was real to me” Kevin insisted.  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Mark broke away from Kevin and turned to look at him.  
“I’m sorry I never told you” Kevin whispered.  
“Told me what?” Mark’s heart began to pound as he feared what Kevin was going to say next.  
“Last year while you were on tour… in South Africa… I… I slept with Aaron”


	5. June 2007

Nicky successfully won the bet with Shane and went to great lengths to flaunt his win and the money Shane had had to hand over, all the while Shane had been shooting daggers at Mark as though it were his fault that Shane had lost. Mark hadn’t been in the mood to have it out with Shane and had made a hasty exit from the room but all too soon, his bandmate came looking for him.

“It could have been you” Shane snapped.  
“If you wanted him to lose so badly, why didn’t you just fuck him?” Mark snapped.  
“Uh I’m not gay”  
“I have a boyfriend, Shane, I love Kevin and I would never cheat on him”  
“You hadn’t even met Kevin when I made that bet”  
“When YOU made that bet, Shane, YOU, why did I have to be the one to help you win? Need I remind you, Nicky was almost assaulted so you could win the damn thing”

They both immediately felt bad at the memory although had it not been for Aaron taking Nicky into the bathroom like that, Mark may not have even met Kevin. He shuddered at the thought.

“You know, now that the bet’s over” Shane began “it’s not too late”  
“I’m with Kevin!”  
“I’m just saying, Nicky’s curiosity hasn’t been answered. I actually think the only thing holding him back was that bet… Just think about it, Mark, hey you might even be able to get Kevin to join you”

*

Shane’s words bounced around in Mark’s mind for a few days until he finally voiced them to Kevin. They were sitting in the kitchen of their Dublin apartment two days before Mark was due in the studio to begin recording their new album. Ever since Kevin had confessed to sleeping with Aaron, he’d been very supportive of the idea of Mark sleeping with Nicky and Mark had even suspected his boyfriend of possibly conspiring with Shane.

“I really do think you won’t be able to move on until you get it out of your system” Kevin said to him. “It’s what happened with me… Being with Aaron was wildly disappointing and I have zero interest in him now”  
“So you want me to have bad sex with Nicky?”  
“It might not be bad for you, Nicky might be much better in bed than Aaron”  
“I can’t believe we’re talking about this…”

“Well, you know there is one option you could try” Kevin started.  
“Oh?”  
“You’re not due in the studio for a few days… Grow that beard out and see if Nicky comments again then play it by ear”  
“You’re crazy”  
“It’s why you love me”

*

It was exactly what Mark did too. For the next few days, he grew his beard out then, for good measure, added the eyeliner. Kevin nodded his approval from the door of the bedroom.

“I swear, if Nicky doesn’t jump you the second he sees you, then he’s fooling himself” Kevin said “there’s no way the lad can be bi and not want you”  
Mark blushed then kissed Kevin goodbye. He was a nervous wreck the entire drive to the studio. When he was about halfway there, he started to regret his plan and by the time he arrived, he was ready to run to the nearest restroom and at least wash away the eyeliner. Unfortunately for him, as he climbed out of the car and stepped onto the pavement, the first person he saw was Nicky.

For the longest time, the two bandmates simply stared at each other as neither one of them knew what to say. After several awkward moments, Nicky finally broke the silence.

“What did I say to you about that beard?” Nicky hissed.  
Building up his courage, Mark stepped closer and whispered in the blonde’s ear.  
“That if I get anymore handsome, you might have to fuck me”  
“Exactly”  
“Well, maybe I don’t want you to fuck me… Maybe I want to fuck you”

With those words hanging in the air between them, Mark turned and walked away from Nicky. He didn’t look back as he didn’t want to see the look on his friend’s face. The fact that Nicky then avoided him for the rest of the day did little to ease his fear that he’d crossed a line.

*

Mark drove home that night feeling awful for the way he’d spoken to Nicky and for how he’d behaved pretty much ever since his friend had come out as bisexual. He’d let Shane’s words get under his skin and he’d had some extremely wildly inappropriate thoughts about his bandmate all while maintaining a relationship himself… And now he hated himself for all of it.

He climbed out of his car and started up the front walk when he heard someone call his name and turned around. Nicky was parked across the street. The blonde hurried over to him.

“We need to talk” Nicky sounded very angry.

Mark nodded his head in agreement then gestured for Nicky to follow him inside; whatever they needed to say to each other was best not said outside in public. Nicky followed him into the building but neither one of them said a word as Mark unlocked the door and invited him in.  
The door fell closed behind them and Mark shrugged out of his jacket. Nicky stood in the entryway while Mark placed his jacket on the hook. He knew he should be the one to break the silence.

“Nicky, I’m sorry” Mark began as Nicky said “I want you to fuck me”

No more words were exchanged as they came together in a fiercely intense kiss. Hands tore at each other’s clothing as they started towards the bedroom and fell upon the bed.

“Are you sure about this?” Mark asked when they stopped to draw breath.  
“Gina’s fine with it, I’m fine with it” Nicky replied “Are you?”  
“I’m fine with it, Kevin’s fine with it”  
“Kevin’s fine with it?”  
“He fucked his bandmate, only fair I can do one of mine”

That explanation seemed to suit Nicky for he was quick to resume their kissing. For someone who’d never been with another lad before, Nicky was very eager and not quite as nervous as Mark expected him to be but he still took his time to prepare Nicky for what was to come. Mark wasn’t entirely sure what he’d expected it to be like for it was everything and nothing like he imagined. It was over far too quickly for his liking and he wondered if that’s what it had been like for Kevin and Aaron.

Nicky smiled and thanked Mark before politely asking if he could use the shower. Mark simply nodded and remained in bed. He listened to the sound of running water for a long time until the water stopped and the entire apartment went very quiet. Mark kept his ears alert, waiting for Nicky to return but the footsteps he heard grew quieter then the unmistakeable sound of the front door closing reached his ears and tears prickled his eyes.

“Mark?”

He sat up in shock when he saw Kevin standing in the doorway but before he could say anything, the tears that had formed in his eyes began to stream down his cheeks. Kevin hurried across the room and wrapped his arms around Mark then he climbed onto the bed and held his lover in his arms while he cried, whispering soothingly in his ear in an attempt to calm him.

“I’m sorry, Mark” Kevin whispered.  
“I’m sorry too” Mark sobbed “I love you, Kevin”  
“I love you too”

Kevin pulled Mark closer and they lay down on the bed together, Kevin holding Mark protectively while the older lad sobbed in his arms. 

“It’s okay, Mark” Kevin assured him “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I love you”


End file.
